All About Her

When I had my first child, my mother insisted on coming over to see me the day I got out of the hospital.  I was on two painkillers and had 15 stitches.  I was very sore and extremely tired.

I had barely gotten home and settled into bed with the baby when she came over, loudly banging as hard as she could on the door.  My husband had stepped outside to tend to our outdoor stove so she just stood there banging on the door as hard as she could to get my attention.

I let her in and she requested that I get the baby from his bed so she could hold him.  Then she asked me to get up again and get her camera out of her bag and take a few pictures of her with him.  I was in pain, obviously uncomfortable and upset at how insensitive she was being, but she didn't seem to notice.  Seeing her hold my new baby son did not make me feel at all happy.  Instead I felt an intense urge of protectiveness come over me.  I wanted to snatch him back from her, run to my room and lock the door.  

She had called asking if I needed anything from the store because she was coming to see me.  I did in fact need a specific type of sanitary pad and asked if she could get them.  She agreed.  When she gave them to me though, I discovered that she had purchased the cheapest brand she could find that were not at all what I said I needed!  My mother gave birth 5 times; of course she knew what I needed!

Even my first child was all about her and how she was a grandmother.
He wasn't even "my baby" to her.  She kept saying that he was "her grandchild" like she owned him.  

Sex has nothing to do with love

When I was around 11 I began asking questions about sex. I was curiousabout where   babies came from.  My mother did not want to answer my questions.  She seemed irrirtated with me, and gave me very vague answers.  One day she said to me, "You know sex has nothing to do with love. Even when you are married. Its just lust. Its just about wanting someone's body."

I carried this belief with me into my marriage. I cannot tell you how damaging it is.  Even though my heart knew my husband loved me, my mother's words had imbedded themselves in my belief system.  She made me think sex was dirty and anyone that wanted to do it was just in it for what they got out of it. I often felt unloved even when my husband loved me the most!

As I have worked theough things, I have realized this is how she felt about it.  It was her truth.  She was incapable of love so of course sex was never about love for her.  

That Lipstick Makes you look like a Slut

I remember once trying on a shade of my mother's lipstick.  It was called "Twig."  I put it on in front of the mirror one morning with my mother while we were getting ready for school.  She looked at me and her whole demeanor changed.  She snapped, "That's too dark for you.  It makes you look like a slut."  I was ashamed and wiped it off.

My mother soon decided that was her favorite color of lipstick, and even ordered several more just like it from AVON.  I never could understand what was wrong with me.  She said, "You don't want to go to school looking like a trollop."  Obviously as a teen girl I was trying to find out what DID look good on me.  I realize now that she was jealous.  That lipstick made me look older and quite attractive.

As I read more about Narcissistic mothers I am able to recall specific instances that I held onto and finally make some sense out of the fog I was kept in.