Projecting Faults

I can remember when we were in process to adopt M, one of my brothers told me that my mother said I had no business adopting a child when I treated my own mother "this way." 

That stung me like a slap to the face.

Suddenly I was conflicted. What way? What did she mean?  What if she was right?  Would others agree with her? 

We were fundraising adoption fees at the time and I remember wondering if people would refuse to donate if they knew that I had a rocky relationship with my mother.   I questioned if I perhaps really had no business adopting a child? Was she right?  Was I a bad daughter like she said, destined to be a bad mother too?

I remembered her telling me many times when I was a teenager that she could not wait for me to have children so they could hurt me like I hurt her. "Just you wait, Erin. You will see how your children can hurt you like you have done over and over to me!"

I wanted children. I had two beautiful boys before we chose to adopt.  I chose to adopt because I felt so much sympathy for children without a mother to love them.  I loved my boys so much it hurt. I wanted to protect them from anything that woukd hurt them.  When they were babies, I kissed them each night with that silent promise, "I will keep you safe. I won't let anything hurt you."

I felt so devestated for children who had no one to protect them and love then.

My mother was the one who had no business having children. I do not know how she treated her mother, but given hiw she treats me, I can guess.  

The thing that has given me power over her hurtful words now is realizing that she she was talking about herself. She does not even know me or the woman I have grown to be.