Medication

My therapist felt I should talk to a doctor. My truama has run so deep for so long that it has become an integral part of who I am and how I feel. Therapy was bringing out what I lived though and it fucking hurt. All.the.time.

It was an ache in my chest that my whole body felt. Real crushing, physical pain.

I was prescribed an anti-depressant and an "emergency use" anxiety medication. 

I hate needing it. I hate that my mother hurt me so badly I need medication to even work through therapy. I hate that a loud noise or raised voice can send me right into fight or flight. A cabinet door or dropped plate are not going to hurt me...and yet they do.  I have been so anxious and depressed for so long that I don't even know what normal feels like. 

I have never not been hurt.

I went to the doctor for my kids. I want them to have the best part of me. I fight against my own pain every day to be the best me I can be for them. I hate my mother for being so horrible to me. I have no idea how to be a good mother. I only know what a bad mother does.

I study other moms. I read parenting books. I "like" parenting pages on FB in an effort to make sure I am not screwing up my kids. 

How wonderful it must be to have been raised by a loving mother.